I love my apartment. It's one of those underground walk-in closets with a toilet attached to it and a window slightly above the ground that the owner normally advertises as a "furnished and air-conditioned studio in a great central Tel Aviv location with parking, garden and a great view," which, according to the market, is worth paying $600 bucks a month for. "The closet" has apparently seen better times – it used to be part of a three-bedroom unit. With the arrival of a housing boom in Tel Aviv, the unit was split into three apartments and more than tripled the owner's profit because in a "closet" like mine for $600 I finally don't have to share my precious space. You'll say that I actually pay extra for not being able to fit in the roommates. But you're wrong about the roommates, and I'll tell you why. In an apartment like mine, you paid for something you didn't expect, the closer-than-you-think neighbors.
If you have ever lived in Tel Aviv on your own, you may find the following painfully familiar. You come to see this "apartment with a garden" and discover that your garden consists of a few wild bushes obstructing the "great view" from your window located so high up on the wall that you're lucky to see the sunlight if you stand on a high chair. The "parking" is represented by two parking spaces for a community of fifty, and you have to compete with the pensioner's club located in the same building. And take a look at the furniture: a lovely mattress on the floor and a refrigerator of the size that actually fits your diet plans. And of course you take this new living arrangement because it's a steal. You'd be a fool to pass on such a jewel in the center of Tel Aviv for only $600 a month. I mean if you don't live on Dizengoff, it's like living in Be'er Sheva.
But the best feature of your new apartment is yet to be discovered. You have to wait to move in to really get your first taste of it. In case you're wondering, it's the walls of the three-way separated apartment. The best thing is that you almost never feel alone. This is where the commandment of Love Thy Neighbor takes on another meaning.
One of my neighbors is a musician. I like the guy. But I hate his girlfriend. She's a singer. Whenever she doesn't sing, she talks in a screaming fat baby voice. Seriously, she sounds like a hungry two-year-old with turrets. I mean you are laughing now, but if you had to hear it every night… In fact, a little while after the squeaky noise is muted, I hear my neighbor banging his manatee against the wall like he's nailing something. It must have become a routine weightlifting exercise for him. And it must be real love. I mean she must really love him to let him do something like that.
Of course my friends find this situation very humorous. Once my girlfriend and I walked right in the middle of the daily three-minute escapade. I mean we were just so lucky to come back to my apartment right during the climax of the events. She's a blonde like me, so she quickly responded by a loud, "GET A ROOM!!!" I tried to shut her up with, "But it IS their room!" So you can see how bad it gets. But oh so bitter-sweet.
So on my lucky nights, I try my best to outdo my neighbors, but only if they are in, of course. I put on my best show. I scream and I kick the wall at every opportunity. This competition has lately become very tiring, and I am so close to giving it up. Well, first of all, I had to sign up at a few dating sites and put my mother's picture there. Lying is tiring. But see, I'm an accountant, and she's a retired Playmate. Although appearance plays much lesser role in my profession, if you think about it, both are pretty much the same thing. Being someone's bitch is in my job description, but those who fuck me have me much longer and pay me much less.
Then there are other things that you lose in a sex competition against your neighbor. Last night, for instance, I lost my virginity. Well, I mean the other type of virginity, located in those far-away places that are so hard to shave that I have to hide them from my gynecologist. I do it with Band-Aids. You are laughing now, but have you ever tried it? After countless hours of trial and error, you realize that it's just not meant to be reached with a conventional razor blade. (I hope they put up an instructional video on YouTube). You still don't give up because you've seen some pretty hard evidence of the task being accomplished. Oh gosh, we are so influenced by the fads and societal norms. You have to suffer through all this just to have your digestive system reversed. If they tell you that it's healthy and natural, don't listen. Healthy my ass. It may be healthy for him because he doesn't crap out of his penis.
I learned something today. My neighbor may not realize that, but though my suffering, I have won the competition. I won because I finally realized that there's nothing more important than family. And so I decided to move back with my parents.
